It’s an icy pull
To feel your shaking hands
Caress the sides of my face
And to hear your words
Seep in, to the very core of me
Capturing me in the stillness
Of the moment
But somehow it’s refreshing
To find someone
Poised in the same manner
As me
Willing to take a risk
Willing to feel something real
And then I remember your
Trembling fingers
And take a step back
To rethink what’s about to happen

There comes a point in our lives when we realize the type of people we have let come into our lives... willingly or not... and maybe this thought leads us to a degrading sense of ourselves... of knowing we let such people share a part of our life...OUR LIFE! when we never really wanted them there in the first place.

We think of these people...who seemed oohhh so charming in the beginning, then caught us somewhere in the heart with that hook on the end of their hand.. and had pulled us right in. Mistakes happen? right? and its at this point in our lives when we can let go and forget of being ashamed of the people we had in the past associated ourselves with.

Letting go of associating ourselves with them is not hard at all... but letting go of everything they had ultimately left upon us to remember is what IS hard. The secrets, the scars, the tears shed, the dread...of remembering a person we never wanted to be...Remembering a person who let others manipulate us.

Letting go of that sometimes seems impossible. Especially when someone who infected ur past continues to write nasty blogs about you...trying to degrade you as well.. as if your own self dread and despair wasnt enough. Once again its at that exact point in our lives when its critical we choose NOT to remember the heartache and pain those sickly people had left upon us; But to remember those who have never hurt us.

The ones who opened up to us, not because we threatened their lives if they didnt tell us this bit of information.. or because we held it over their heads with something more precious...but because they saw something in us so compelling to share with us their deepest secrets. There is something more cherishing to be said about that.

Its those friends that we need to think of in times of DREAD, that walked with us on our journey thru life...and have ALWAYS hung close by. In particular there has been one friend in recent times that has helped me save myself from this dread...and maybe he'll never know it... but he saved a part of me i was hoping not to lose... and for that..i owe him everything in return.

And here now, we continue our journey without the sickly... and walk strongly hand in hand... side by side..on this journey of life with our cherished ones....

are you my cherished?

or are you my sickly?

There is a cop who is both prowler and father;
he comes from your block, grew up with your brothers,
had certain ideals.
you ardly know him in his boots and silver badge,
on horseback, one hand touching his gun.

You hardly know him but you have to get to know him:
he has access to machinery that could kill you.
he and his stallion clop like warlords among the trash,
his ideals stand in the air, a frozen cloud
from between his unsmiling lips.

and so, when the time comes, you have to turn to him,
the maniac's sperm still greasing your thighs,
your mind whirling like crazy. you have to confess
to him, you are guilty of the crime
of having been forced

ad you see his blue eyes, the blue eyes of all the family
whom you used to know, grow narrow and glisten,
his hand types out the details
and he wants them all
but the hysteria in your voice pleases him best.

you hardly know him but now he thinks he knows you:
he has taken down your worst moment
on a machine and filed it in a file.
he knows, or thinks he knows, how much you imagined;
he knows, or thinks he knows, what you secretly wanted.

he has access to machinery that could get you put away;
and if, in the sickening light of the precinct,
and if, in the sickening light of the precinct,
you details sound like a portrait of your confessor,
will you swallow, will you deny them, will you lie away your home?

Take a stab at my middle name
and pierce my heart
plunge the knife in deep
scour my brain for what your looking for
because there it will be
in the midsts of all my secrets
and you could destroy me
with all those little atroceties
placed against me
just by knowing my name

Say my name
and sting my ears
as i ignore your gaze
upon my chest
and cower in your presence
as i degrade myself
for being so transluscent

I knew the stars
like you knew my body
as i gazed upward
and you always down
the BIG dipper i long for
and you bigger than ever
me connecting dots in the sky
and you tracing lines around the torso
i wish upon balls of burning gas
as you moan about your god
and i lay motionless
collapsing when your done
then we are one, beside eachother
as you finally gaze upward
and i down.